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I Prefer to Live My Other Life
The Poetry of the Lament
I’m writing this day of. There was a two word phrase that I was thinking of titling this, I cant remember it, maybe it will come up while I’m writing this. I met _________ Good Friday. Lots of people were there, I ended the night getting hung up on some menial conversation, getting yelled at, going to a bar and going home. While in the shower I thought about calling this _________. I’ve had _____ on my mind. I have a film I need to edit for _______ and _______. I’m getting off topic. All points might not be tied at the end of this. I’m working on a budget for ________________________. I would much rather be doing other things right now. I don’t want to get into chastising myself. This has been a very ambitious project. I pivot around a lot of points in my practice and ceramics is special to me because it is literally moving dirt around to make so many forms. That with practice and knowledge of dirt, I could make a vessel to hold almost anything. Amazing. Most ceramics I made before graduate school were making egg people. This is a brief history. The first ceramic thing I wanted to make were tiles for a chest and some plates with my blood in the clay because I’m a romantic. I ended up making coins as an exploration monetary forms and accounting of value. It was a first step outside of working with paper be it printmaking or the tapestry works or drawing and painting. That work is in the collection of ___________________. The next project was the totems for __________. Thats when I started working with ___________. I was a TA for both of the faculty in ceramics at ____ and __________ is the better teacher. So I got __________ to help me make the totems for that show in 2021 them I left for __________. First thing I did was make a _______ and launch ________________. I paused working on that to start _________________. There’s a funny parallel to me in that _______ and ceramics are both dealing with base forms in the body and in clay, they’re both ancient, they both have a functional element to them that places them often outside of the central art historical narrative as a means of representation. I’m thinking about it this way for the sake of process. One of the long outcomes I want for myself is ___________ I want to present something of __________ in my work and have people find consciousness through it. Art is central to that. The films I make, I want the _________ to be a prominent feature. As my body in the performances I do in public is immediately sexualized with a carceral element I want to express ____________ in how I determine that it is being presented. I can do a lot more than hit rocks naked or carry a cross and if that is overstepping the bounds into being __________ then I want to push that idea. Maybe this is a writing about passion. In the way violence has infiltrated most of our lives there are these cool bits of ground that hold the world steady for however long. Passion resides there like an Eden with the flaming sword outside. I love materials, I love allegories, I love being able to make something out of seemingly nothing. That is where ____________________ came from. I think about what kind of environment exemplifies the existence I find myself in and I think bonsai. While there are a lot of lineages of thought around bodies like mine and the world, I connect the hundreds of years bound in miniature trees to be something like the fruiting of myself from my birth as a similar expression. Where I come from is all around me and I am alive just like those giants in the wild. The nuance to these forms, in trying to create them rather than mold the existing, needed a stone. Getting these ceramics from __________ has been so taxing. They are important to a place now. I think about my reputation as being cryptic and cagey and it feels kind of appropriate I’m experiencing this as to learn to not replicate the treatment I’ve received when I, if I ever achieve the status of my partners and what I want out of this whole process. I’ve had all the misthoughts of wanting to do these things differently, not commit myself too much, or simply eschew vital portions of what I’m working on and just chalk it up to business. My two cofounders, _______ and _______ have put a lot of trust in me to navigate huge logistical issues and when things happen out of my control the lack of experience I have hurts my stomach. _______ told me I’m discerning. This is new territory and the looming thought of failing is something I need to understand more. _________ has flown works via private jet to locations. Hearing that I don’t want to depend that something like that can happen for what I’m doing. We would need a much bigger jet. We’re still waiting on the delivery of these works so until then we’re at an empass on the making. In this breath is another chance to show how I think things need to be done for myself. I’ve set some bad examples being kind and while the kindness has never been the issue my expectations have not been met. All that said because I can, with all gratitude. I found a bunch of pictures of my loved one, one is in front of a sign in a other city when we were much younger. It's cropped on the home screen of my phone. The message of the message is stronger this way. Next to the silhouette are the words center the art; expose a need; insight, hayst, confuse. I consider the coincidence. Haste and confusion. I've said it a lot over my lifetime that if I have anything, I have time. I doubt at times if it is on my side or not. If it is faithlessness at times then it is also a wave and the tide and all those other planetary functions. In my critical voice I am reflecting on what I have gleaned as a sensing body. Is art a sensitivity? Or is being an artist a sensitivity? However sharp. More questions.
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